We had our neighbours over for drinks last Saturday evening. It was the first time we had socialised together beyond speaking over the fence separating our back gardens. It was also the first time we had anyone over since we moved in.
This meant of course that we actually had to tidy up the ground floor, which due to the endless painting/decorating and lack of furniture into which we can decant our books, candles and other what not, has looked a bit of a bomb site. Ok, that is a bit hyperbolic and no offense is meant to those who have been in an actual bomb site. Let’s just say is it generally not a place that had been relaxing or comforting, or even where you can move freely from room to room without a little do-si-do of your hips and feet.Â
We finally took all the charity shop donations piled in the front room to the shops for others to enjoy, and we put the piles of painting debris by the back door into the bins or outside ready for the tip run. Taking a load to the tip (American = garbage dump) needs to be reserved ahead of time, so obviously THAT has not happened. The remaining ‘stuff’ that has no home yet was moved to the summerhouse, or into closets that are not on public display. Does anyone else do this, or are y’all keep-a-tidy-house-at-all-times people? Well, good for you.
At that point we could actually vacuum, dust and put a few holiday decorations up. My, that looked different!Â
We had a very jolly time chatting to our neighbours, sharing our various holiday traditions, tentatively exploring extended family ties, and enjoying the very act of socialising again. It still feels a bit self-conscious spending time with ‘new’ people; like first dates in a way, wondering how the relationship will unfold. In this case, it was MUCH less stressful than a first date, and utterly delightful. It was also another step towards making our new house a home by sharing it with our lovely neighbours. It may have also given us some confidence to try it again with maybe a few more people.Â
After they left we looked around our home with a tiny sense of pride and joy. It is a nice little house we have, and talking to people and sharing food and drinks is rather a lovely way to spend an evening.
The next night I had a brief text conversation with my neighbour from our previous house whilst we were both cooking dinner and drinking our respective glasses of wine. No small talk, just catching up on our adult kids, our spare time activities and our current recipes. All in a period of about 10 minutes. With longtime friends you can jump in and right back out again and feel your soul has just had a warm hug.Â
Making friends and finding connection when you move to a new place can be challenging. When you don’t have children, there is no school run to create opportunities to see the same people over again, or play dates to arrange. We don’t belong to a religious organisation and haven’t figured out if there are any groups or clubs we might join. And since we work remotely, our colleagues are counties, countries and sometimes many time zones away. That makes for challenging after work socialising!Â
Once we are more firmly nested in our home, and feeling more confident about socialising again, I am sure we will spread our wings a bit more often to find the joy in discovering new friends. And only then can we have the chance to develop new longtime friends.Â
How about your experiences moving as an adult? Did you find it challenging? What did you do to meet new people? I’d love to hear your experiences and any good strategies!
I sooooooo relate to the tentative search for friends trying to tamp down expectations. Who to invite, what to serve, how long should they stay, what’s next in the relationship, should we invite them again or wait for them yo invite us, what if they don’t…?
Here in Madrid cocktails begin at 9:00 or 9:30, then dinner around 10:30/11:00 and they’re on the road by 1:00. All doable just different. And late.
But then we learned that when Spaniards get together they go out with each other to a bar or restaurant, not have friends into their homes. Whereas in the states, being invited to someone’s home is a big honor - you’ve really made it. Anyone can go out.
But those we have invited over were thrilled and grateful for the invitation. And we were delighted to be hosts to our potential new friends.
Another large difference between here and the states is the reception from the neighbors. In Washington, DC, neighbors brought us food, wine, and flowers and invited us in to see their neighboring apartments. We’ve been here a year and no one has done anything like that. If new neighbors move in, we’re going to carry out the American way of doing things.
When we shapeshifted into Sebastopol we didn't think of it as moving ... we were just "working on the rental house". Except the project was so big, and we were always there, and it was overwhelming to constantly be on a worksite, isolated. So we'd say hi, they'd say hi and once in awhile we'd walk them through the developing building. EVERYONE is curious about big projects it seems.
One thing lead to another- we were discovering personal interests and skills, sharing books and always in the fall sharing apples. How could we not? We were inundated with apples in the fall. so there we were, tiptoeing into developing new friendships. it was a seductive process, making friends when you'd only hoped for acquaintances. And that lead to staying in the rental for longer periods. Which made it an attractive hidden-hole during covid. Which made it our probable final resting spot in the housing market.