Family Friendship circles
From 'Starter Friends' to weddings
Firstly I want to say thank you to those of you who reached out to let me know I was not alone in feeling scattered and discombobulated as described in my post last week. I was quite buoyed by your comments and understanding. Secondly, welcome to new subscribers! Thank you all so much for being here.
In addition to being beside myself with joy at seeing the sun for a few days this past week (it has been behaving a bit shyly, but now and again smiling briefly during quick appearances), I have been thinking a lot about my friends and my friendships.
Most of us are lucky to have a few treasured friends. Sometimes we take our friends for granted, or go long times without seeing them. Sometimes they are our lifeline to sanity. And of course everything in between.
We start out getting to know the people that come with our parent’s friends; our ‘starter friends’, let’s say. The ones we played with when we went to the friends of our parents, and the kids were shooed off to ‘go play’. At least that how it was for me. As a shy kid, the whole idea of having to go off and just play with kids I didn’t know was absolutely terrifying, but eventually I learned how it worked. There wasn’t much choice, and I learned to join in. We played inside or outside: with dolls, books, tinker toy1, or shovels, mud and sand. Whatever was at hand.
Once we started school it got more structured, with play dates that were arranged, or impromptu after school gatherings if you were lucky enough to live near other kids, and of course the periodic birthday parties to navigate. There were hidden rules and behaviour that needed to be learned for all of these social activities.
But it wasn’t too long before you knew which friends you had the most fun with, and where you felt most comfortable. In my case, it was also a question of who I could be quiet with as well as play together. I needed downtime as much as interaction time. Honestly, once I learned about childhood play stages2, I realised I never moved much beyond parallel play.
I was blessed with a couple of childhood ‘starter friends’ who loved to read as much as me, and we spent hours alongside each other reading books. We would be shooed out into the garden to play now and again, where as I recall, we would imagine and recreate scenes inspired by the books we were reading. As we got older popular music began encroaching into our lives, and some reading time was replaced with listening to the Beatles, Beach Boys and Monkees. So of course then we would have dance parties and performances. These were solid friendships that worked for the parents as well as the kids.
A few years ago I reconnected in a consistent way with one of my earliest childhood ‘starter friends”. The reconnection came as a result of seeing each other when saying goodbye to our parents, but I believe this is the blessing of life’s cycles. Even though we missed out on each other’s child raising years, now we are back in each other’s lives in a way I think our parents would be delighted, and I hope also a bit jealous! Our spouses have embraced the family friendship wholeheartedly and the next generation of our family friendships continues.
The other part of friendships I have been thinking about has come as we are welcoming another year of weddings of friends of my adult children, whose parents are also my friends. It is the fulfilment of a dreamy fantasy that several of my friends and I had when we were having our children around the same time: “wouldn’t it be so great if our kids grew up to be friends and we got to go to their weddings? Imagine…” And now I don’t need to imagine!
These are the kids who stayed friends in spite of their parents being friends. Even though they were ‘starter friends’ to begin with, they seemed to always like each other. But they didn’t have to stay friends. Some of them went to school together, so it was easier, but some stayed friends even though they they weren’t in school together and had to work at it without the parents organising them. As parents we were delighted to see these friendships grow and persist. We were a bit scared to even say anything out loud in case we popped the bubble of our good fortune.
Knowing each one of these lovely young people as they have grown up, to hear from my friends as they learn about their child’s partners, to get to meet them myself and see how happy they are, and sometimes get to celebrate with them on their wedding day: to participate in this family friendship circle into the next generation alongside my children makes my heart ache with joy.
Weddings are always the best kinds of parties. And even as much as I love weddings, there is an entirely different level of joy to go to the wedding of someone whose parents wedding also was an important moment in your life. Or their parents have been an integral part of your ability to raise your children, and our children’s childhoods are inextricably linked. The layers and depths of feelings joyfully and tenderly fill the heart, by the bucketful!
When that young woman or man walks down the aisle arm and arm with a parent, their sweet smile is only a hop away from the tender toddler smile that won your heart just yesterday it seems. And the grinning, mischievous young person who tore through the house laughing hysterically is now standing proudly and looking lovingly at your long-time friend who raised them with so much care. Tissues please!
After all that tender joy, there is the dancing! I mean, really, that’s why we are all there: to celebrate! The weddings we have been going to recently have had the BEST curated playlists with so much fun music to dance to. Our unbridled joy finds it’s way out of our bodies once again with our bestest longtime friends, and once again we get to embarrass our own kids and our favourite other kids with our dancing. But, oh that joy!
So this is why I have been thinking about these friendships. When I get a bit tired of the cold and the wet, I take a minute to look through the recent wedding photos and let that joy wash over me again. I feel very blessed to be looking forward to the weddings to come, and that I can enjoy this time of life and love that is still a bit of a dream come true.
Wishing you all some longer warmer days soon, and maybe even a wedding coming up with lots of dancing!
I’m curious to know if you had starter friends: if so, do you remember them? Did any of them last into adulthood? Do you have family friends that are still in your life? Do you enjoy weddings too?
As always, many thanks for reading, and feel free to share this with others who you think may like it!
Cheers,
xx Sabrina
Tinker toys: “Tinker Toys are a classic toy construction set consisting of wooden rods, spools, and other parts that can be used to build various structures, from small models to large constructions. They were originally created in 1914 by Charles Pajeau and Robert Petit, two entrepreneurs from Minneapolis.” https://www.educationaltoysplanet.com › vintage-tinker-toys.html
“Solitary play (birth to 2 years) Onlooker play (2 years) Parallel play (2 years and up) Associative play (3 to 4 years) Cooperative play (4 years and up).” https://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/play-and-activities/stages-of-play
Such a delight, Sabrina - I particularly love the joyful pictures! The words though, are so special - I love how you've linked these two themes.
Mom, Dad, and Susie all met as teens at Drakesbad Guest Ranch. Susie married Bob shortly before Mom and Dad married. Kids were born. Bob, Susie, Sarah, and Charlie lived in Orinda. We lived in Larkspur. Beginning in 1967, we’d all spend a week at Drakesbad and then go off for a week of backpacking in the Sierras or Southern Cascades. Our “starter friends”, Sarah and Charlie, and their families continue to join us every other year at Drakesbad (until the pandemic in 2020 and wildfires of 2021). Our kids have grown up with their kids, and we look forward to seeing as many as can make it to California for our annual hike in May. We’ve shared the great joys of weddings, and births, and yes, the unfathomable anguish of the loss recently of Charlie’s son, Ryan (the paramedic aboard the CareFlight plane that crashed in Nevada), a new father himself. Our granddaughter will be playing with Charlie’s grandson at Drakesbad next year -- a fourth generation. Starter friends became longtime friends -- closer than family, really.