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and less cold soup

This beautiful collage was made by my long-time friend Eileen based on one of my photos (below). The collage brings depth and movement and texture and even joy to the otherwise flat photo. You can imagine the stories woven in there, and the people who sailed in those boats. This is where I would like to be.

Instead, my brain is currently in a flat, un-moored state with sharp edges, and no flow between the compartments. Thinking, writing, reading, and conversations tease me alongside my usual walking, gardening, cooking, cleaning, and other sorts of ’doing’ in a completely incoherent way. These are all the usual things we all do, but for some reason this week my brain is struggling to make a plan, to see a path or an outcome that I am travelling towards.

Each activity seems to be a small piece of something bigger, but I can’t yet see the purpose or where the edges will join up with the next thing. For some reason it reminds me of uncooked soup that just has individual ingredients and cold water, before the flavours have swirled around and had a bubbly dance with one another to create something warm and soft and deeply intense together. This week my individual tasks and activities and conversations and thoughts are still in that cold water, waiting for the warmth and the dance to begin, and something enjoyable to come forth.

Some of the many things that have crossed my consciousness this week; still barely simmering just below the surface: 

• The rabbit hole that was finding a cache of letters my mom wrote to her mother, her third year of college when she went to France and Switzerland from the U.S. to study. This was 1950, only a few years after the end of World War II. There is SOO much there to read that I was overwhelmed to begin. I am needing more focus to unfold those fragile thin wisps of air-mail paper again.

• However, also in that rabbit hole were some other letters and documents pertaining to the working and love life my mom had between college and when she met and married my father. My mom has told me some of it, and there tucked away in amongst these letters were other bits and pieces that document her stories, but that need more filling in. I am excited and also a bit nervous about learning more. 

• I realised that this packet of letters, documents and a few photos was a batch I must have hastily put into a suitcase to bring back from the U.S. with me one trip and then I forgot all about it until uncovering it the other day. What else is still awaiting my attention in more boxes?

• We are thinking about renting our house for the summer as we will be away for about 6 weeks. So part of my time is organising what we need to do to get the house ready for renting it this summer. And yes, it is crazy given that we still haven’t even really settled ourselves in the house. Maybe a tiny, or not so tiny, part of me is protesting at having to get the house ready to leave when I am still trying to feel at home to begin with.

Short sales pitch: If you -or someone you know- would like to stay in a lovely 3 bedroom house with a low-maintenance garden and short walk to the beach on the sunny Isle of Wight this summer let me know ASAP! Well-behaved dogs are welcome, too!

I just keep pretending that this cold soup of feelings and tasks will work itself out and I’ll feel once again that energy and excitement of having a plan, a collage of my life again. That is what this March has been: an in-between season, past the winter cold, not really spring; just trying to move forward but also waiting. Waiting for a bit more sun to warm the garden, heat the soup, create some rhythm and texture and maybe even add a little bit of joy to the many layers making that collage.

As always, thanks for reading!

And how about you? Do you struggle with March? Do you ever have days where you feel a bit at odds and not able to focus on anything specific? 

Have you ever learned something about your parents that is surprising or at odds with what you knew growing up? How did you feel? How did you process it? 

I always look forward to hearing from you.Cheers for now,

xoxo Sabrina